Hey, homeschoolers! Does your child struggle with self-control? Judging by the response to my session on self-control at the Great Homeschool Conventions, I'm going to guess that the answer for many is yes. Self-control is an overarching concept that includes emotion management and control of what we say and do. It means that our child can say no to their desires that can have immediate or long-term negative consequences–especially when in challenging situations.
Parents who want to talk to me about their child's self-control are often concerned with how their child's words or actions create sibling conflict, or they're concerned about their child spending a lot of time spent in rewarding activities like gaming in lieu of doing chores or studying. These same parents admit that they too are struggling with some aspects of self-control. I have been there with both children's struggles and my own.
In this episode, I want to spend time discussing why your child might be struggling and some solutions based on those root causes. In particular, I want to challenge the association we often make that can prevent us from choosing an effective solution.
Before we dive in though, I am happy to announce the release of the second level of Training Aliens, the story-based curriculum I created to help parents like you teach self-control and other vital social and emotional skills. For a limited time, you'll save 20% on either level of the curriculum designed for K-8th graders. Level 2 has the alien siblings returning to space camp, learning how to turn acquaintances into friends, how to deal with worry, how to respond to someone who's teasing them, how to help someone who's grieving, and 12 more intermediate skills. As with Level 1, the curriculum includes a 5-minute story about the aliens struggling with a skill and two choices for dealing with it that are common but ineffective. The training manual includes discussion questions, dramatizations, games, and STEM activities in addition to the course where I am teaching the skill in a short, engaging video. As before, you need just one copy for your family or co-op group. Sara had this to say about Level 1:
I cannot recommend Training Aliens enough! Managing emotions is tough but Melanie makes it super fun and engaging for the kids. We are using this curriculum with a group of friends, doing one lesson a week. We chose to do the faith-based book. The kids have loved acting out the Bible passages, movement activities, and the show and tell. I’ve seen super shy kids coming out of their shell, some being more mindful of others, and overall have seen so much growth this year. It is great for families but even more fun with friends. We have been so blessed by Melanie and Training Aliens. We cannot wait to dive into Training Aliens 2 next school year. Thank you for creating a curriculum that has been so helpful in training up our children.
Back to our topic. You've been practicing self-control, waiting for me to share the causes of self-control struggles. Thank you for that!
Spiritual Roots of Loss of Self-Control
The first cause we'll discuss is spiritual because that's what we as Christian homeschoolers often default to. Galatians lists self-control as one fruit of the spirit. So if our child isn't demonstrating self-control, we may wonder if they have the Holy Spirit. Even more commonly though, we wonder if our child just lacks character. Perhaps they just aren't trying hard enough!
My first response to this way of thinking, which I have also had, is that God also gives musical and artistic talents to His people. Yet those talents take time and practice to develop into usable skills. Self-control is like that. Younger children will exercise less self-control and this immaturity is not related to their character. They will develop more self-control as they grow and practice.
If, however, you see other areas in which your child is lacking character like not being kind, you have more reason to believe that poor self-control is a spiritual issue. Spiritual training is a lifelong endeavor, so it doesn't hurt to continue to provide it for self-control struggles.
Spiritual training includes discipline, which the Bible says produces a harvest of righteousness. Firm and loving discipline teaches children struggling with self-control the consequences of poor choices. Ignoring lack of respect or disobedience can prolong the struggle. Along with giving consequences, expressing our belief in our children's ability to develop their self-control is most likely to help our child.
Let's say you told your child to turn off the screen and put his laundry away. When you come back, he is still on the screen and the laundry is where you left it. You can calmly remind him of the assignment and ask for the device that you'll be keeping for a while. You can then say, “I know you'll make a better choice next time.” You might even recognize the difficulty in saying no to yourself when you'd prefer not to do a chore. You could then discuss some strategies for getting work done quickly and more enjoyably. Listening to music or using a timer come to mind.
Physical Roots of Self-Control
Sometimes self-control does have a spiritual cause. But many times it is physical. Children that have neurodevelopmental issues that affect the prefrontal cortex will have more difficulty with self-control. My autistic adult nephew was texting me late at night. When I asked him not to, it was like I had pushed the “more” button. He began texting me late at night even more often, while apologizing for doing so. I just muted notifications for his texts and learned that ignoring the behavior worked better with him.
Children with ADHD can also have difficulty with impulse control–likely because they think and move so quickly that they haven't considered the consequences before acting.
Self-control is more challenging for all our kids when they're tired or overstimulated. Self-control requires energy and kids are easily tempted when they don't have a good night's sleep. Stress from illness, change, or conflict also drains kids' energy.
When our kids have a physical basis for poor self-control, it makes sense to tailor our response to the individual child. We have to experiment to see what works best. While some children thrive on an early bed time, for example, others have more self-control when allowed to sleep late. Allowing a child who's been ill or stressed more down time also makes sense.
Movement and some form of physical exercise are excellent strategies for promoting self-control for most children. Children with ADHD do well with movement interspersed throughout the day. Adequate xercise can also help children sleep more soundly at night.
When a child has a physical basis for self-control struggles, we want to remove temptations as much as possible. A tired child who has a screen in their room at night is probably going to choose it over sleep, for example. Having a child work in a quiet space alone for a short period can help as can using headphones or a screen to limit visual distractions.
Mental Roots of Loss of Self-Control
A child can have both spiritual and physical sources of self-control struggles, but most children have mental sources.
Some research suggests that self-control works like a muscle in that it can be fatigued. In other words, if our children have to exercise self-control on tasks earlier in the day, there will be less strength available for later tasks. I don't go to the gym on the days I play tennis. I don't want to wear my body out so I'm not tired that evening. That just makes sense.
But many of us as parents are wearing our kids out mentally or not noticing that they're being worn out by a variety of tasks and situations throughout the day. Some of the most common mental situations that wear out children's self-control are sitting still, being quiet, and obeying. A huge benefit of homeschooling is our children generally aren't asked to sit still and be quiet in a classroom for six hours a day. Even so, we may be insisting that our children do this while we're teaching, when it isn't required. We can allow kids to move around, discuss what they're learning, and be hands-on, even more than we are now. When we are more interactive with them during the day, they'll have more self-control when dealing with brother or sister's annoying behaviors.
The second way we can encourage a child who's self-control struggles are mental is to limit the number of rules we give them. Rules that our kids don't like require them to be respectful and obedient–things that require a tremendous amount of self-control, especially for strong-willed children who loathe rules. We want to make sure that the rules we insist upon are worth the loss of self-control power later. Does it really matter which order your child does her tasks? Does your child have to hand write, or could they dictate or use the keyboard?
The good news about self-control behaving like a muscle is that it means our kids can develop more strength and tenacity. As we keep training them and they mature, you'll see it happening. For now, when your child has a self-control issue, talk with them about what was draining their self-control before the problem, so they can be prepared next time. By the way, this way of thinking of self-control helps us too. I found myself wanting to inhale chocolate after a difficult conversation. I realized that I was using a lot of self-control not to say when I really thought! Next time I have a challenging talk, I'll know that I need some time to rest and recharge. Kids need these breaks too–time to rest, move, be loud, and enjoy playing. After a break, they'll be better prepared for the next challenge.
If you want to begin training your children to grow in self-control now, I have a treat for you–almost as good as chocolate. I am giving you the self-control lesson from Level 2 of Training Aliens for free.
Whether your children have spiritual, physical, or mental roots for their self-control struggles, I know they'll get stronger as they complete the lesson and benefit from your example. And if you don't feel that you've been the best example lately, the good news is that God gives us strength for our weakness. He certainly has for me.
Have a happy homeschool week!
