I was a very independent, responsible child. I could cook, clean, and drive at an early age. Because I saw the benefits of having these life skills myself, I wanted my kids to have them too.

I had my kids doing their own laundry at an early age. I taught most of them how to drive, cook, and clean. I say “most of them” because I was so worn out from the driving instruction that I turned my youngest over to my husband. I put my youngest kids in cooking classes too.

I felt like I did a pretty good job preparing my kids for adulthood. But over the holidays, I realized with a shock that I've been an overly responsible mom.

I don't mean that I bear the brunt of the cooking and cleaning for my crew when they're home. I do that, but I don't feel bad about it. What I do feel bad about is trying to manage my kids' conversations.

How I Was Being Overly Responsible

I'm a psychologist, a professional communicator, and a homeschool mom. How my family members talk to one another has always been a concern. I have shared multiple times about the Kind Word Covenant that we created and the rules we had for communication when the kids were young. Although not perfect, it was effective.

But my kids are grown adults now. And I apparently amended the Kind Word Covenant to say that we mustn't talk about any potentially upsetting topics. (Click on the covenant to request a copy.)

It's weird, I know, but my kids don't agree on every issue with each other or with us. I thought it was dangerous to let them have conversations on these areas of disagreement. So when they would come up, I would change the subject. I would ask them to stop. I would even get up and walk away to redirect them.

But over the holidays, I wondered why I was doing that. It wasn't my responsibility to referee every conversation. How did I know that I wasn't interfering with their growth in relationships, knowledge, and faith?

So this year, I just sat still and listened. I noticed a tightness in my gut that told me I wasn't comfortable with it. But that was my issue–not theirs.

I let them keep talking and eventually I felt okay. It was interesting–fascinating even, to watch them talk to one another about a wide range of issues. Because I wasn't butting in to stop them, I heard more of what was going on with them personally than I heard in one-on-one conversations.

I realized that my adult children are just that–adults. My husband and I have trained them up in the way they should go and in the way they should talk with one another. I've been a retired homeschool mom for two years, and now I'm a retired responsible mom.

How about you? Do you find yourself being overly responsible for things your kids should be doing themselves?

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