Melanie (00:00)
If you have a strong-willed homeschooler, this episode is for you. I'm Dr. Melanie Wilson, Christian psychologist and veteran homeschool mom of six. The Homeschool Sanity Show is designed to help you experience less frustration and more confidence. Few things are as frustrating as parenting a strong-willed child.

Melanie (00:24)
You have a homeschool plan, but are you sure your child is on board? Parenting a strong-willed homeschooler can feel like making a deal on a used car. You walk away feeling like you've been outsmarted again, even though you thought you were prepared. Let's talk about why your child is getting the best of you and what you can do to make a deal with your child that you're both happy with.

Many homeschoolers think that choosing curriculum is the most challenging part of homeschooling. There is no question that this is a time-consuming and even scary part of the process. We worry about making the wrong choice and being out money. But curriculum choice can be easy compared to getting a strong-willed child to cooperate in completing it.

Add outside classes and activities to the mix, and there are even more opportunities for a strong-willed child to push back. Why do they do this? We wonder. When we are doing our best to help them learn in an enjoyable way. I was reminded of the reasons when I went with my son to buy his first used car. He had researched

The models he was interested in, just like we research curriculum. He gave one of those models a test drive and was ready to buy. But the salesman was like so many of us as homeschooling parents of strong-willed kids. He gave my son the price, like we hand out curriculum, and expected him to sign on. My son refused.

Instead, he offered significantly less than the asking price. The salesman seemed surprised like I often was when my strong willed child balked at something I wanted them to do. He went to talk to his manager before coming back with the same asking price. My son wasn't swayed. He offered a little more than his first offer.

The salesman again took it to the manager, where they probably discussed the weather or how our baseball team was doing instead of the offer. Meanwhile, my son told me that if they didn't drop the price, we would walk. The first reason the used car salesman and we as homeschooling parents struggle to make a deal with a strong-willed child is we care more.

Than our child. I had been sitting in the used car dealership thinking that this was the perfect car for my son. I thought he should just make the deal. But he clearly didn't care as much about buying that particular car as the salesman cared about selling it at full price. The salesman came back and said the price was already so low.

That he couldn't discount it. But I wonder what was really going on. Did he have a reputation for not discounting? Was he trying to earn a bonus for a certain amount of sales? Whatever it was, he cared more and my son could tell. My strong willed kids could also tell when I cared more about their curriculum or behavior than they did.

They saw when I was more worried about what my friends or family thought than what was best for them. Not being so invested in my child's choices because of pride and fear would have made it easier to make a deal with them. My son told the salesman that he didn't want to pay retail price for a car. The salesman asked sarcastically whether they had a deal.

If he gave him a dollar off. He also repeatedly warned that the price of the car would go up the next day. So we left.

On the ride home, my son and I discussed the possibility that not having a trade-in and wanting to pay cash were a problem for the salesman being willing to negotiate. As homeschoolers, our many rules and threatened consequences are the second reason we struggle to make a deal with a strong-willed child. The more ridiculous a rule or the consequence, the more likely our child will rebel.

If the curriculum includes lots of busy work like defining vocabulary words or writing chapter summaries of a literature book, your child may not be on board. Side note that Grammar Galaxy and FastGrammar, my story based language arts curricula, do not include busy work like this and are perfect for strong willed homeschoolers. Take them for a test drive and

At the links in the comments. I gave one of my strong-willed sons an art curriculum to complete independently in junior high. He asked why he had to do it because he didn't like art and didn't plan to do art in his life ever. When I told him it was because I had to do it in middle school, we both laughed. He knew.

That wasn't how I homeschooled. I didn't have a good reason behind the rule for doing art, so I dropped it. Today he doesn't do art and he has no regrets. If he did, I have no doubt he could learn it on his own. The used car salesman tried using time pressure on my son by threatening to raise the price the next day. I will say that he was true to his word.

We checked and it was listed at the higher price. But time pressures often backfire with strong willed kids again because we care more than they do. It doesn't bother them to be late nearly as much as it does you. Time pressure often arises from rules we have. My teen kids reminded me of research that says kids their age need more sleep.

Why? They then asked. Did they have to start school early? The truth is, I wanted to start school early because of my own preferences. But we agreed to start later and it was a good deal for all of us. The next day, my son and I went to a different dealership. He test drove another model and didn't mention

That he planned to pay in cash. This salesman was willing to negotiate, and my son liked the car even more than the other model. When the price was acceptable, my son said he wanted to pay cash. The salesman began explaining why it was better to finance the car, even though his calculations clearly showed he would be paying thousands more in the end.

My son responded, I follow Dave Ramsey, and I'm telling you right now that I will never get a car loan. I struggled to keep from laughing. This is an example of reason number three for our strong-willed kids outsmarting us. We're not giving them what they truly want. Sometimes, as in my son's case, they'll tell us what they want. Other times,

We can assume that our kids want our love and approval while they pursue their goals. My son, who didn't want to learn art, wanted me to be okay with that, and accept his desire to focus on piano instead.

Of course, we cannot give our approval for behavior and choices that don't align with our faith and values. But our love for our kids can't be conditional. We can always find something in our kids to approve of and encourage. Even though I had to spend more time with my son in the car buying process, I told him how proud I was of him.

For negotiating to get exactly what he wanted. I know Dave Ramsey would be proud too. Sometimes our strong-willed kids don't know how to negotiate. They get frustrated and they shut down. In that case, we want to give them the skills they need: firm boundaries, conflict resolution, and respect for authority.

Training Aliens teaches all of these skills and more in a fun story-based curriculum. K through eight students teach aliens at Space Camp our social and emotional skills and learn not only how to manage themselves, but how to respond to people like the first car salesman. Find a link to sample lessons in the notes. The second salesman

didn't fight my son on the car loan, and obviously respected this young man who knew what he wanted and what he didn't. They made the deal and both seemed happy. This is what can happen when we stop caring too much about our kids' choices out of pride and fear, limit the number of rules and consequences we give them, and give our kids what they truly want instead. Our love.

And approval. For more help with homeschooling strong-willed kids, grab a copy of Goldilocks Discipline. Are you having trouble making a deal with your homeschooler? Share the deal breaker in the comments and we'll try to help you negotiate.

Melanie (11:24)
To find links to resources and related episodes, visit the show notes page at homeschoolsanity.com slash make a deal. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. Have a happy homeschool week. This has been a production of the Ultimate Homeschool Radio Network.